Youth Ablaze

I've realised that I have been looking forward to church recently. However, learnt some other things too, which is good that I realised early.
- Commitment to God: I have been attending church regularly now. Which is good. However, I feel that I should commit more time to God. Which is regular QT. prayer and memorising Bible verses.
- Some problems with my Christian life: I should reflect more on what I am portraying my life as a Christian to people.
- Dealing things: I ought to deal with things by the fire-with-water method instead of fire-with-fire method.
Anyway, today's message was about 'Boldness, Meekness and Weakness'. At first I had felt it had not much stuffs to do with me but it did. I realised I was, like the speaker described, a person who is bold on the outside but weak inside. But God will strengthen me. (: Yeah. And everyone in the cell has a small little book for writing the memory verses and messages from others so I was given mine today. Heard that it was prepared by Joe so I'd like to thank him for spending time making it. (:
And lastly, I want to congratulate myself for finishing one chapter of social studies! Haha.

I still cant stop thinking about the paper.

It just simply feels like I've done badly for something I like, something which reflects my interest, something which I could have done better in.

And it just feels like.. The first paper has knocked me down. Am I going to let the rest of the papers end up in the same fate?

I ought to focus on studies and study instead of thinking about the what will happen in the future right.

But I'm so going to disappoint people. I've already disappointed myself. I'm just so tired of being optimistic.

*There's only one thing I can do now. Learn to hand all my burdens to God.

English III

I fell, I stand. I fell again, I stand again. I fell again and again. I stand again and again.
And so, this is English Part III post. Not bad. I didnt know there was so many things to talk about it. Well, English is the only subject I dare say I'm interested in and this time I had many mental attacks during Paper I. I remember restarting my compo two times before I finally gave up and did situational writing. All my points were in a mess and I had 40 mins left for my compo. I tried writing and almost gave up. Just felt that I couldnt do a decent compo and so I wanted to just hand it the blank piece of paper with my Part II. But I managed to stone and was left with one sentence to end my compo. It wasnt my best but it was the one that I put in my utmost effort to make it as good as I could. (: Paper II was weird because it was full of 1 mark questions. So I kept worrying if I wrote too much, ending up with excess denies. It was alright but I know that the most I can get for my vocab was 2/5. Summary was a little crappy cause' I kept overshooting the limited no. of words. Can pass but don't know whether can score well. I know that I didnt fall because if I did, I wouldn't have been able to get so far. I'm going to conquer exam breakdowns. Im not going to let all I've studied go to waste just because of some mental barrier. That'd be foolish.

*Rescue me.

*I dont know why you guys are so bothered by that and keep asking others for comments. It may not be directed at me but it does make me feel bad. Is it so wrong to be praised once in a while? He did urge us to praise others too right? Ok, Im at a lost. Just say Im opinionated or something. Say Im not in your shoes so I dont know how you guys feel. So, tell me, do you know how I feel?

*Is this what the world is supposed to be? You grow up and you turn yourself away from those people you know, you are close to. Like there is just this need for office politics, this need for everyone to backstab each other till no man is standing. And this need to know you can trust no one but yourself. Why can we just share trust between all and let this lifetime be a "everyone lived happily ever after" thing?

Mind flooded with so many thoughts. It's just gonna break down anytime.

English II

English is like one day away! ONE day! Haha. Or rather a few hours. Well, today had some minor mental attacks from CA marks. My sciences are like borderline marks and well.. I just hope I will do BETTER for my SA so that my CA marks can't pull me down. Some of us are having a bad feeling about English paper but I ask of the Lord to clear my cloud of doubts and just do my best. (: I've constructed this checklist of chapters to study for all subjects and I'm determined to study until all are ticked. No longer trying, but determined to do it. (:

* There were many times when I could just see darkness. But when He came, light overcomes darkness and the darkness dissipates. Thank You Lord for all You've done. Without You, I would just be nothing.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

English

Yeah, English paper is coming. Like how intriguing is that. I bet I've been telling Huichin everyday this: "English paper is on THIS Friday! Can you imagine that? THIS!" except for today, whereby I changed the version to "English paper is TWO days away. Can you imagine that? TWO!" I just don't know why. I used to take English paper as the paper whereby I can study for the fun of it. But now? I'm just totally worried about it. Maybe because of lack of self-confidence. But I tried boosting my self confidence by self-praising for little correct answers because I knew if I continue demoralising myself, I'd just take things like the end of the world. Haha. Overall, I just hope I can do well and stop comparing lar. Like some of my friends told me, "One can never be at the top forever." and Perfection is nothing. Improvement is something." and stuffs like that. I've been trying to tell myself these sentences over and over again, hoping I will just stop harbouring the thought of being first anymore. I just want to do my best, not to get the best.

*Lord, draw me nearer to You.

When will exams be over? Whatever it is, Im gonna perservere, perservere, perservere. Yeah, Ive been giving myself enough of unnecessary stress. It's time to stop, if I can.
Anyway, today's best lesson was like.. PE? I mean it's the only thing that doesnt force me to study. And I scored in two for basketball. Haha. Tyco one. And I've been thinking that I have enough of performing arts. I used to think of 'improving' in choral skills so I joined choir again. What a waste. If I ever make it to JC or poly, Im sure to join some sports CCA, if they have. Haha.
I just totally need anti-sleeping pills lar. Ive been studying eyes closed or something. I dont know. Today went to study with Juv and I was like writing and in the going-to-sleep-soon state. And when I come back home to use the comp, I'm like awake? How fascinating.

*Harden your heart.

I tried to study today, really. But I couldn't. Nevertheless, I told myself not to rush. Really trying hard not to stress myself up. But.. I think there's something wrong with me. Something to do with my concentration or interest in studying.
But thank the Lord. I have friends who offered to study with me. Yeah. I think I concentrate better when I study with others outside. Or I can even study alone outside. That'd be good. All I can think of is the word: TRY!
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Amanda sent this song lyrics and I could relate to one part of it.
The hopes we had were much too high
Way out of reach but we have to try
No need to hide no need to run
'Cause all the answers come one by one
The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive
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Exams just seem like hurdles race now. You have 9 obstacles. Just conquer it or give up. I hope i choose the first one.

*It seems like some wonderful fairytale. But trust me, the feelings won't last.

Housewarming (:

Haha. I'm sorry. I broke my promise of not using the comp and just take my prev post as tomorrow's post. (:
Anyway, today had housewarming and my parents didn't let me invite many until they last min tell me it's okay with the numbers. Like, wow, they told me that right on the day and expect people to be free. Haha. So Juv, Cher and Jas came and we studied. Yeah, maybe I should just say they, not we. I was watching tv, talking, smsing, anything but not study. Then Haozhi joined us later and we totally gay-ed the whole day lar. Haha.
And so the problem started when we reached yoshi for dinner. I don't know why but I suddenly had the bad feeling that if I continue to want to study and can't study, i'd just end up with one simple consequence: retain. So i was like totally worried and tried to study but all i faced was darkness. Totally broke down lar and I'm really so tired of crying over studies. I realised all the while I managed to get good marks was because I fell and God helped me to stand up again. This time I had thought I would fall and never be able to pick myself up. But still, God's grace and love for me touched me. He reminded me of all the while He never gave me up so I shouldn't give myself up. And addition of my friends' encouragements, I'm going to obstinately make myself stand tall once again and I'm going to glorify my God!
In the past I didn't do well for studies but I enjoyed studying. Then later in my life I decided I needed to do well and I pressurised myself to study. Right now, I've decided to try my best and do what I can. Most importantly, enjoy every moment of studying.

* Thank You Lord for being with me wherever I go.

* Thank you for being there for me.

Ok lar, this is just a farewell-for-a-while post. Not going to use this mama comp until exams over. Cause' everytime I use it I'd get headache. I dont know why. Haha. It's good in a way. Force me not to use comp.

RECHARGED!

Haha! I feel so recharged now. Probably due to today's Word and the letter my cell group gave me. It was really encouraging. (:
Well, today woke up damn early to meet up with Juv for study. Somehow I didn't revise anything at all but I managed to finish History hwk. (: After that went for church and was very motivated during cell discussion. We were talking about many stuffs regarding our studies and some of us do encounter things like wanting to sleep when we just see books. Haha. So I felt like I wasn't alone at all. Anyway, I just pray for all my cell members to be able to do well for exams. Results doesn't really matter but whether we have done it with all our hearts matters. I believe with God, we can do it. (:

To my cell members
It doesn't matter if you see this or not but I just want to say that I'm glad I'm in this cell because the enthusiasm we have in knowing our Lord more and all the concern for each and everyone of us. I pray that our cell will grow spiritually and also in numbers. (:

*I made the decision and I'm going to put in dedication and discipline in it.

Just got back from studying. Studying outside is really alot better than staying at home, trying to study and letting everything arnd me to tempt me. One good thing is that tests are over, I think. Chem test was quite tough but I'm starting to be more confident about studies, unlike the past few weeks. (:

*I'm starting to think that the problem is with me, not with anyone else. So much that I expect too much of others, and not accepting their flaws. I'm going to learn to look more on the good side than the ugly side of people. (:

Rah. Im totally washed out. Probably because of sleeping too much or what. They always say you must sleep for 8hours or so but the big problem is the more I sleep, the more tired I am. Some sort of adverse effect of sleeping I think. Take this morning for example. I was supposed to wake up at 5.30am but I ended up waking up when the sky was quite bright lar. And I still felt tired throughout the whole day. So I think Im not going to let myself sleep early anymore.
It's really great with friends in school or I would have probably dozed off in class. With Juvenal around, that's pretty impossible since we always act like monsters and yeah, school life ain't bad. But it still is bad when there's Chemistry. I really had no idea what was Chem Analysis until few days ago or so. Everyone is practically struggling with Chem lar. I'll make sure to abolish this subject in our HMJC. Haha.

*I just don't seem to have a good impression of you. And it seems like everyone feels the same too. But why is my mind wavered about by their opinions? Like I dont have a mind of my own. Or my mind thinks the same too.

Foolishness.

And that's what they discussed about during cell group. Foolishness.
Foolishness: Knowing that this is wrong but still doing it.
In a way that I know I'm a perfectionist and I keep saying I want to change this state of mind but I just can't get rid of it. When will I learn not to expect too much of myself? Maybe some might think that being a perfectionist isn't bad but it is creating a bad impact on me now.
E.g. When I've studied finish, I keep feeling like I have not studied enough so I want to study more. And because there isn't enough time for me to study anymore, I just keep saying I would fail. And yeah, it didn't come true. I know this has been affecting some of my close friends and yeah, sorry about it. Going through this constant cycle of pressurising myself is making me so tired, so tired that I wish I can sleep and never wake up again. But still, God is with me, battling this inner struggle within me. So I shall not fear anymore. I'm just gonna knock this problem of mine down.

Monster Blog

Maybe it's the need to scream out my thoughts that I revived my blog, again. Haha. I have totally deleted several blogs since this one and think it'd live by to tolerate all my screams and roars.

*Nevertheless, it's all about You Lord.