I dont feel good. I felt good just now. Not now. I wish for God to just come down and hug me or smth. Make me feel better.
I know He's in control. (:
We went to Henderson for choir exchange. I felt guilty for being late for choir. We had reaudition. Im getting better. But at henderson, we rushed during Janger. Swallow was getting better. Critics gave very good comment. Im happy but I dont feel part of it. I kept wondering if it's Altos, or rather mainly myself, that has been pulling the choir down. On msn, talked to Mr Liew. He said he was wondering too. Of course I had expected some advices or even better, some encouragement. It demoralised me. Is he trying to use some reverse psychology to make us do better? But what Im feeling now is.. Demoralised, I dont dare to sing already. I fear that I'd sing wrongly and influence the rest. And it reminded me of debate. Why, of all things. And all the sadness settles in again, creeps in. But I'd never let it take control of me. Im a victor in Christ alright. I can stop it with His strength.
And once again, I know He's in control.

Praise Him- because darkness trembles at His sight.
------------------------------------------
Enough of that, celebrated Sam's belated bday today. (: All had fun. It's like some sort of destress after a long hard time. Then it's back to hello earth.

Can you guys just try to encourage me a little, A LITTLE. I cant stand this, really.

stepping stones

Today was tiring. Sch has always been tiring. Trying to catch up w Amaths and Emaths lessons, having tons of questions in my mind during Chem and Physics. The rest.. pulling thr. The teachers are really dedicated in their work, but I cant help feeling how boring their lessons can be sometimes, esp recently. Poor them, rushing thr the syllabus. And poorer us, cause we struggle and register everything. Someone said that Im handling things fine, another says I can do better. I say that I need to revise and stop TV-ing and sleeping. I cant afford to waste another weekend. Anyway, I just bought the TIME mag that covers a wide range of stuff. And they gave this really cool book that Im totally mesmerised by it. Filled w photos of events in the past 100 years. I told myself that since Im 'off' from debates now, I shall make use of this time to dust my knowledge bank and throw new stuff into it.
Debates- At first I was thinking of it during class, it took me a while to realise one week has passed, friday is here. And when I was on my way home and arnd 7pm, I felt that I shouldnt be wherever I was. I could imagine the team cracking cold jokes at macs and getting ready to go. And the guy will say "Good morning.... THBT....... and let's welcome the speakers........." while we get all the jittery and stuff. Goodbye debate.
Choir- Exco had a really nice talk yesterday. Talked about graduation and stepping down. Somehow Im wondering if I'd feel sad or what. But I'd definitely miss the singing, the sense of unity in the choir. Haha. And I'd return for visit like some stranger after that. Haha.
Prefects- I know Im a real slacker. Maybe I should try to start doing my duties. I mean, it's only one month left for me to 'pay back' what I owed.
Friends- God says not to worry so much so well, I will cherish every single of one them and not think about end of year yet. Haha.

More and more hollow holes. And each of them is a stepping stone.

Guess that the wisest thing to do (e.g. when you see that someone is doing wrong and you know that by confronting the person things will get worse; when you cant solve a problem) is to pray. (:

Praise Him- because He'd always be by my side.

THBT i love debates

We had our debate briefing yesterday. It was mainly reflecting about stuff. And actually I went with a little heavy heart. Thinking of it being the last meeting. The last. Actually I had wished that it was more. As in.. I wished we could debate for the last time, took some pics w trainer and have some sort of thanksgiving session. Cause I really have alot to thank the team for. Esp their encouragements. Haha. Even though it was just a short 2 months thing.. (we started on 20th jan, i must remember this date) Perhaps JM's right, Im too emotional. But still, it's really a great experience, esp the fact that I love the time we spent so much. I miss saying I-tell-you in my rebuttals which cracked the juniors up. And hoekin's super weird laughter, crystal's exasperated face, Jm's calm and collected look when she did her speech. And stef's you-watch-out and my-fault? and or-rather. (:
And maybe what I miss most is being busy. I know, weird.
Well, looking on the positive side, I have more time to prepare for studies, focus on choir (even though today was depressing). Yeah, so well, what Im glad about is that everything changes but God never will.
Im learning to think before I speak.. once again. Especially when I get pissed I think. Cause I just shoot anything out of my mouth w/o thinking. It's better to leave my sentences hanging in the mid air than letting them out. Heinous consquences will await me. Just talking on the extreme side.
And I think what Mr Liew said today really woke me up. Aiming high but effort is zero.
To Juv, I'd love to accompany you for all those stuff you listed in blog! Haha. I feel like I've cancelled my connections w the world. High time I went back to the usual hangouts- swing, beach, jassy's house, anywhere on earth! (:

Praise Him- for I've learnt.
---------------------------------------
Picture time!

Sports day. (:





Now you can see the sun w/o hurting your eyes! (:




I just put that cause it was a cool shot.


Me and Jm



Taken in ACS Barker, and I had thought the sch was ulu.

I really want to thank God for everything. For being so concerned about me, for talking to me thr ppl.
We had cell yesterday. At first I was pretty reluctant to go. But now Im glad that I went! (: Worship was great, word was great, cell was even greater. Talked to wanhui and the most amazing thing happened. She had called me out for lunch last week but I forgot all about it. And told me that she had wanted to talk about smth. Which was what Mr Lim said! I mean, it was the same topic. So I was like.. How you know one? Can tell one meh? She said it was a feeling given thing. And it was really positive for her cause' she had wondered if the feeling came from God or herself.. like you know, guess. Then she went.. "You have to know your identity in Christ" and I was like woah. Cause' Mr Lim said just the very same words. Just a coincidence? No, God's working.
It's high time for me to wake up.

Praise Him- because He made me realise that He loves me more than I could ever imagine.

Horrible time at choir. I spent half of my time crying for God-knows-what. Because I really dont know why my tear glands got so active. But well, I really hope it didnt affect people.

Perhaps it's debate. We lost. Im sorry that I missed the whole of the 2nd prop's point and he made one rebuttal only. But Crystal has really been helpful. She explained what he said and even tho I didnt kinda get it, I managed through the whole debate after all. And Hoekin made really remarkable improvement. And JM is the nicest monster for timing me and stuff. The four of us still have a long way to go. I really hope for debate trainings to continue though.

But anyway, I survived thr practice. New choir dress arrived today. Determined to work hard for gold. (: 45th chorale. 2nd choir after the judges go for their munch-munch. I hope they wont feel drowsy after lunch and sleep while we sing. Haha.

Thanks to stef for the short yet wonderful conversation.
To Suz and JM for encouragement.
To Sam the scary guy who said I improved.
To Mr Lim, for the midnight talk. I hope to get what he said into my head.
To the best Dad and Mum!
And to God Almighty. (:

I never thought that debate was so impt to me. Like some sort of addiction. I hope to pursue it in JC, it depends tho.


Praise Him- His love endures forever. And thr faith and patience, I will be strengthened.

Thank you cell for the wonderful prayer that Aaron made that day. I think it works wonders. My mind doesnt feel clogged up today. (: Gonna take things calmly. Trusting God with all my heart and soul. And thrash them. I really want to.

Like JM said, no matter what's the outcome, nothing is eternal except for God. Amen to that! (:

The Bad News
Why do I get so pissed w people so easily recently.
And why cant I concentrate in class.
Why is sleeping becoming more and more tempting these few days.
And why am I feeling that way.

The Good News
TV has been less tempting. (: And so does comp. Cause I tried to discipline myself.
Choir is improving practice by practice. And Im learning not to care about what she reacted that day.
Found the root of it all.
Mum's birthday is coming. (:
People's encouragement- thanks guys. (:
And most imptly, God's assurances.

I need to be willing. Yes.

Im having trouble w everything. Be it studies, CCA, relationship w God or Debate. Or am I finding the trouble...... Yeah, I think so. Breakdowns are really nice. It lets you gush out every discontentment w your life. It makes me feel better, somehow.
My motivation to improve hasnt and will not die. I just need to have more self-confidence and not let anything affect me. And while I was doing my rebuttal today, I kept telling myself that God's strength is in me. His strength is formidable. Yeah. All this will work once I place my trust fully and solely on Him.
Putting in effort.

Praise Him- cause suffering produces perseverence.

I didnt go for FBI. Partly because of the headaches and dizziness. Wonder how it went.
Why am I making my life rotten? Because Im too gullible. To accept every thought that comes into my mind. To struggle so much over a small little idea that seems to grasp my mind, overtake my control of myself. Trying to do things based on my 'strength'. No wonder why I failed.
I dont think the fault lies w you guys. It's more about my low self-esteem, feeling inferior all the time. Ever since p6. But Im not gonna keep myself bondaged....... Im gonna get out of it. (:
Anyway, to huichin. Sighing is alright! Haha. I love to sigh. It's a form of releasing every crappy feeling out of me. It's just a less disgusting way compared to farting. HAHA!

I know I've made quite some commitments in my blog to do certain things. So that life will be better, that I will stop ill-treating myself sometimes. (a monster who claims she's cute) and I couldnt see much changes but at least I know that I've been trying and I'm still trying. So yay. Goodluck to the both of us. That even though we do face criticisms from people and ourselves, we never give up.
I've never stopped loving this verse.
Isaiah 40:31 "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint

Acceptance: the act of accepting with approval; favorable reception (credits to Google)

Praise Him- because He provides me with a sense of acceptance

Im pretty irritated. Nevermind, I think it's all the crap I get from Amaths. Imagine taking 1/2 hour doing a single stupid part one question. And realising it was just a stupid careless mistake. And taking one thousand years to do the LAST question. And I still cant solve it. And there's some crap thing w msn that I cant go online and ask ppl. Chicken wing.................................... (im not hungry, just using some word to express my wrath.)
I forgot to mention some stuff.
(1) Motion's out. Happy stressing.
(2) I hope to request for anti-holiday. What is all this preaching about "students, please revise your work. catch up w term one stuff okay? o level this year. <--(reiterated many times)" when they give homework until you can vomit blood. Okay, it's to do w my time management.......... Rah.
But..... I shall not be anxious. I will take everything step by step. I shall wake up early to repay for wasting my time on tv.

Why cant I think that way? And why do I always complicate simple things. I need a good night sleep. Not like yesterday.. dreaming about snails and people w super power.

Praise Him- for blessings I have never imagined before.

I know all of us are wrecked after camp. It's like total intensive training and there's all the leg raise, push-ups and sit-ups. But at least not that much for camp. So you see, choir is not all about singing. (: Anw, Im pretty sad that Mr Liew isnt happy w Altos performance.. like we sing like talking. But well, I think our section's morale is pretty high and we'd do well eventually. Just that I hope they will hold their notes........Haha. And I simply love Shaakirah! She's the best choir mate that I've ever found cause' we synchronize so well. Haha. Hope we'd get the line back.
Actually Im pretty shocked that you reacted that way. I mean, I dont believe that you're that kind of person. But well, no one's perfect right.. And maybe you dont mean it the way some of us think. But it doesnt matter. It wont stop us from doing what we hope to achieve.
Im really trying hard not to make judgments w my limited understanding of things.

Anw, we went to AJC for choir exchange and you wont believe if I told you they have CLDDS, MLDDS, TLDDS and debate & oratorical!!!! Can you imagine us debating in Chinese? I will simply wow at myself. How do you even say rebuttal in chinese... Wo xiang yao ding zui. Or like three points of contention. Wo you san ge bu shuang de dong xi yao jiang. Haha. Anw, the place is just like any other JCs.. Cat High choir is really crazy. The guys sopranos is super power. Just close your eyes and you would have thought it's girls singing.

FBI tml (: Hope I'd really enjoy myself.

Praise Him- for I'm free.

Just got back from chem lesson. Suffering from horrible flu. Hope it wont persist, or I'd be dying during camp. Gotta chiong my revision and stuff. I've got emaths knocked down only. )= So much for happy holidays )= I think I need one more week of grace to revise thr everything....... And mum's bday is coming soon! (:

Guide Dad, please..........

Praise Him- because He provides me w rest.
I really have to learn not to think so far ahead. Im exhausting myself.

I need a disciplined life. Someone please throw my tv away and lock me up in my room.

Crystal and JM dont think that my jokes are funny. But they always chuckle to emselves when I say a "joke". So well, they're not being truthful to emselves. HAHA! Just kidding.
And joyce mentioned that "screw you" = f you. But I never meant it that way.. )= And I seriously hate that word anw. Cause' it makes no sense when you say that to ppl just cause' they piss you off or smth.

Humility.

Praise Him- cause' He's in control.

It's pretty sad lar, considering how much effort we have put in. We lost to dunman sec. However, like Mr Lim said, we shouldnt think of despair or 'I suck' and stuff but learn and move on. In fact, the next rnd's gonna be so great cause' God's w/us! (:
I think I really need my faith to grow bigger and bigger. And it's always thr small and big stuffs that my trust in God continues to deepen. And I love that alot.
Today's worship was seriously great! God has been supporting my steps, assuring me that I wont fall. I might stumble, perhaps, but never fall. I want to be committed to read the Bible in depth. (it's all the desire to know Him more)
And also stop being perfectionistic.

Praise Him- because He loves me.

pictures! (:

The board I made for cher:

The square boxes are meant for her to guess which girl is who, and I placed the photos inside envelope. And tada!


With cute pikachu stamps! (:

Me and Jassy:

Me and Clari trying out sunglasses:

Cell during Christmas carolling! =D

Playing w/ some metal board:

Ju.c w/ bear's paws:

And the hottest face of the year:

Stuffs we saw at action city:

Keroro! =D

Cows! =D

Weird mushroom creatures! =D

Cant wait for tml's debate. To Crystal, JM and Hoekin: Jiayou! =D

Just to say that I did well for Emaths (surprisingly) but my Geog has been deteriorating. Could have done better for History so I guess I should really study this holiday.
And I think that sometimes I should think more than usual before I speak. It's not about being hypocritical or what, just dont want to (1) affect the atmosphere (2) make gossip spread etc. And clique has been driving each other mad with whatever nonsensical logical crap. I pwned them w Joe's quiz/trick/how-do-you-actually-classify-it-as? Sports day tml. Our last sports day unfortunately. )= I cant wait, cause' no school! =D

Okay, off for debates soon.

Babe (1) Juvenal- Hey dudey. I cant empathize (i listen to eng lessons okay) you for whatever you're going thr but I hope you know that we do act as physical (dont think dirty), emotional support for you. Anytime you really dont feel like smiling or what, just do it. Dont have to fake a smile, I know it's difficult to. (:
Babe (2) Cherlyn- Hope you like the board. (: And dont think too much about what-you-mentioned-in-your-blog. Sometimes it's thinking too much that makes one crumble easily. (:

I dont like this feeling at all. Feeling that Im not at fault (mainly) but knowing that Im partly at fault. And I feel that I dont deserve this. I try to be some saint and act all responsible, claiming fault for everything. God, can I just hand this all to You. I know it's hard to not think about it, since it's bothering me so much. But at least I feel reassured that You know everything within me and that.. You're always there for me. Thank You.

I feel compelled to go to sleep early because I cant stand the sight of everything now.

Praise Him- because He's my refuge.

I dont really have anything to talk about, except that I screwed one of my graph for Emaths but luckily it wont affect the rest of the part qns. Got back Chi, Eng Compre results and Amaths. Failed Eng and did pretty alright for Amath. (: The most amazing part is I passed my Chinese. Haha. Yay. I really very determined to do well for Chinese. Let's hope that I'd start putting action into it. Actually I dont know why, but I feel abit.. ma mu to my results. It's like.. either okay, average or fail. What's wrong lar. Mr Lim taught me to peak well.. but. sigh. Im just too tired out to fight on. God give me strength.

Can I seriously do really well in something? Im just so dissatisfied w whatever Im holding on to now. Or rather, can I please learn to feel contented w whatever I have? Rah, Looma go faint.

One thing Im happy with. Tmr's FIT day. (:

Praise Him- for I have not given up. And I passed my chinese in view of His mercy. =D

To Juv, Cher, Juv's mum: Get well soon.

To debaters and netballers: Good luck for friday! (:

To Andrew: Dont drift away but grow closer to Him, the church and BFC! (:

To Crystal: Dont be stressed! (: We can think. Haha.

To JM: Give yourself a chance to speak! (:

--------------------------------------------------
We got our verification slips for 'O's. It just feels like 'O' levels had been so far from us from what we perceived in Sec 1 but now.. It just feels like it's coming and ready to engulf my life soon. But.. I shall make use of this period of time to really calm my heart down and not be anxious anymore. Okay, I wanna go sleep. Bye.

thank you

Could I ever thank You for everything.

Thank You that You have placed wonderful people around me that I may learn from them.

Thank You for Holy Spirit whom I can talk to and talks to me.

Thank You for the skies, the clouds and every creation.

Thank You that I am given opportunities to raise myself to a higher level of learning, to learn to cope with all these stress that I have placed on myself.

Thank You that Im back to You despite having drifted away and given up hopes on getting back to church.

Thank You that You know me, that You love me and that You understand my heart more than anyone.

Thank You that when the storm comes, I have You as my refuge.

And I wanna soar with You.

Just got back from debates. Im super tired now and I have no idea what to read other than the narrative modules since I have been pretty forgetful recently. Forgot to bring Eng file home. And I missed sectionals this morning cause' I totally forgot about it. In fact I only knew it when I stepped into class. Rah. Sometimes I really do think that studies might actually make me age faster than I should. Okay, thinking too much.
Anyway, I think I screwed up my Physics. I didnt have time to do the graphs and all. I might as well as faint. Haha. Quite wasted lar. And History was pretty alright, since it was source-based and I read so last min that I was going to be late for school. Just hope that things will go well tml, things are well for my tests and that next week will be okay.
We visited Kwee Peng today. Even though he didnt let us in, I kinda understood cause' it's like (1) short notification, shocked (2) he doesnt know us well either. He may not be able to see this but never mind, I'd just say what I feel. It's like he've been through this once and I just hope he will be able to overcome whatever difficulty he's facing. And prayer is the best that I can do right now.
Fire drill today too. It was pretty boring, considering they made real fire and the fire was so big that we could only see the smoke. Pretty gay, I'd say. Why not burn my class up. Perhaps then our homework and stuff can be delayed. (: Haha. And some of them just entertained themselves by throwing shoes and socks around. Haha. I miss PL when we had our emergency exercise. We took part in carrying the casualties on stretchers and taking their particulars etc. That was really fun. (:
Oh yah, and thank God that Hoekin isnt out of debate. He almost had to pull out cause' of his mum or smth.