You've heard of reverse psychology, hadnt you? Im getting the hang of it. So it doesnt really matter even if you use the most poisonous words on people, on me. Afterall, you're the one losing out in the end.

Cause' He says the truth is that I will succeed in Him.
Teach me how to forgive and forget, and to believe in salvations that are yet to come.

I know that You will mould me, so much that I will be able to understand and use this identity You have given me.

It's my 202th post. Wow. I've been taking this blog more like a confession platform, I realised. And also to say certain things bottled up within. Sometimes I really feel like Im using it as another form of talking to God, to set my resolutions.. but it can be really difficult to follow.

This sense of hopelessness is coming so frequently. I dont know, through people's words and my thoughts. But I know I can control it, it's my freewill to choose if I want to entertain them or not. But Im just so susceptible to these kinda things. I really expected some encouragements from you, but I got comparison instead.
Thanks Wanhui, it has really been so long since someone told me something so comforting.

Why did I even allow this kinda feeling to invade and take over me. I really feel like asking You, "Who am I that You should love me? Who am I that You should save me?"
This song went "...glorify Him with our hearts and lives..." I think I haven't not doing that.

Teach me how to surrender all these departures and disappointments to You.

Sunday- I have to say that GDOP is really great. It's my third time gathering with Christians in S'pore and everytime I feel like there's this strong bond that God has kept us within. There were people from Asia that came. And this guy from China was saying "Xin jia bo gen zhong guo yi yang. Hen duo hua ren." And Joe gave me the bottle! =D I have faith that what we prayed for will come true.
Today- Chinese 'O's. First paper I was struck with the exam stress but got out of it. I wrote and cancelled, and I think I wrote alot of wrong words. )= I wanted to write 4D but dunno can anot so I wrote "si (4) he cai" and actually it's supposed to be "liu (6) he cai" and it's not 4D somemore. Haha. Nevermind. Think I did pretty well for paper2. (:

I wish I can sing Your song forever, take it as my career or smth.

So many things that you want to do, dont want to do.. but because' of people, you start to think twice.

We got back our report bk today. I like the way shihui start asking about people's positions openly. It just feels like we can talk about anything. (: Im also very happy for xx too =D , Im not being hypocritical alright.
What can I say about my results. My brain tells me that I should be really grateful for what I have gotten. Like what charis' post mentioned, I did not put in enough effort. But my heart makes me browse my past results and compare the present and the past. Which makes the tears well up but I couldnt allow them to drop or kshfkjdhf. So well, they wont understand. You cant understand them either.
Nevermind, just dont go think about this and concentrate on Chinese. Dont let what they say affect you. Dont affect them either, trying. The golden rule: Luke 6:31 Do to others as you would have them do to you. Yes, keep that in your head Looma!
Im just so afraid that I might lose myself in this chaos.

And as you try to make me fall, I will resist/flee and become stronger.

Before we meet Christ, we're all bound in chains, unable to experience life the way it's meant to be.
But just as the prisoners set free when the jail in Philippi was shaken by an earthquake that night, so Jesus is waiting to set your heart free.
If the jailor's question is yours, "What must I do to be saved?" the answer is still the same. "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved" (Acts 16:31, ESV). -NotReligion Insights

Went back to choir today. Ohman, it was a weird feeling, at first. I was hiding myself at the locker area, dont dare to even get near the door. Until I heard the familiar voice of Mr Liew. It has been such a long time since I heard his voice. I have no idea what led me to walking to the door. Then I keep saying, "So strange." Haha. He said, "Just one week only and you feel like this? Correction, one month. My goodness, it's exactly one month since speech day I think. Then he led me in and people started to "Hello Looyee!" Super strange feeling lar. The only thing that's not is Steven's "Hello chiobu!" Aww, he was forced to greet me that way all the time. Haha! Why am I writing this in detail, I dont know. I just felt the need to. They gave us this cd that had all the videos and photos of the past. And the song makes me soooo sad! Why must I face so many departures? I miss them so much, esp Mr Liew. The comments from judges was contradicting. There were really good ones and bad ones. But I know we did well overall, we deserved the silver. (: And they're either going to Genting or Europe next year! AND WE CAN GO TOO! Im estatic. Haha. The combined concert thing is going to be on 3rd June so I guess I cant attend.
There's some unpleasant-to-hear things going around but I guess all I need is to be still and listen to what You have to say instead of using my 'wisdom'.

You know.. it's just 13 days to my birthday. =D To cherlyn: Not just winston's! Haha. I have to say this earlier since Im going for a trip. Haha!

Complain <--- Complains over the complain <--- Complains over the complaint who complained about the complained

And sometimes the 3rd one is the same as the 1st. Perhaps you dont understand what I mean, but that's the whole purpose. (:
This is such a wonderful, note sarcasm, cycle that everyone is involved.
No wonder we're told to give thanks in all things.

I shall try my best to blind, mute and deafen myself from all these.

happy post

Oh man, I cant wait. What Joyce said really makes so much sense, that God wont make us fail for going there to pray as a nation right. Yup, so Im excited. (:

Got our overall today. Im happy lar. Even though I know those kinda results are crap, Im glad that I got better than I think I deserve. Somewhere I read in devotional bk "Not what you see but how you see it."
Jm is right, thank God it's not O's! =DDD I think He is so much filled with grace. (: And I talked to Him about my problem yesterday. Even though I dont know how well I've done today, I know that Im much better, and I believe that God will keep me this way. And even though I feel like wakking someone hard for the 37.5hr motivation camp that's $135 and I dont have a single cent left in my edusave, I wont let anything affect me anymore. Not people, not myself and not lies.

Because You are victorious!

Had a pretty nice and short talk w Mr Liew. Man, I miss choir, I miss Mr Liew.......

Okay, it's time to continue running this hurdles race. I've just passed one and seen my weaknesses, so.. dont be despaired! While I was recording my marks, I wrote this "It's Just Midyears! =D" on the paper so that I wont feel depressed or what. Haha. Im actually fortunate to get this kinda grades for a last min study. So, thank God.
Im struggling to say the right things. Why cant anyone understand? Im always at 24hr alert in case someone faults me for whatever I say.

Man, I really cant stand this. You both are like... Getting me to do things all the time. I have no freedom of speech, I cant even have my own opinion. Thanks alot.

random

Just a very random post.

I miss saying 'bestfriend' with Juv when we took photos. It was just 3 days ago.

I miss 1E1 gathering and nicholson's 1.5kg chicken wings. =D

I miss lessons. )=

Global Day of Prayer is coming! =D

And Chinese O's is on the next day.

We're getting our results tml....... Faith overcomes anxiety.......

I look too far. Shall think about today only. Today.

Actually i felt a little burnt-out. But I guess to have a consistently good relationship w God, I have to persevere on and not allow my zest to come and go whenever I like. Yup.

Very random pics.

Retarded "uhh?" face. =D

Nice view of the sky. Like some hole right there.

I was just looking thr the posts in 2006 and was reminded of alot of things. Time really passes and I miss alot of things.

1) THIMUN
2) Debates
3) 1E1 chalet
4) BFC bondings
5) Choir
Choir's having a concert with other choirs. And on my birthday, I heard. Horrible ppl. I wanna go.

I also came across the struggling between studies and me and I realised that I have not been living to what I want to do, certain things. But well, I think this exam, I have really handed things to God. I studied with a less stressed mentality. There was this post where it started with "Is your faith enough to overcome your fear, your anxiety, your worry?" However, there's just this vicious cycle of within me. But I do believe that I will break it.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, for whatever reasons, come to Jesus today. Get to know Him in the Bible and judge for yourself if He really is as accepting and loving as people say He is.

ALAS!!!!!!! MYE IS OVER!!!!!!!
The torture has ended.

And meanwhile, I shall get a couple days of rest before I continue less-intensive mugging. Haha. Yesterday's prac was okay. Just that Im pretty angry with myself for ignoring the small little voice which kept nugging me with the angle of incidence. It kept telling me that there's something amiss. But I didnt abide, I believed by my sight. What the heck. But it's okay, just 4 marks gone away and a good lesson learnt. (:
Bbq was great. I mean, usually we just hi and bye to each other in sch but now we could finally sit down there and talk. Yup. Thank God that the rain stopped, else we would be eating swimming chickens and seafood. And perhaps the stingray might really come alive. Haha. It doesnt matter, Sam faces always keeps it alive. He'd stuff the food into your mouth, shake the fork and say "It's alive!" Haha. Okay, sidetracked. You know what, sometimes when you really dont know what you should be doing or what you want to do, just sit down there and eat. I had a great time mind-talking to the crabs. (: Haha. Some of them almost got drunk, all the faces were like red tomatoes. And they forgot that I love to eat tomatoes. I had a hard time struggling to keep myself in my seat before I munch on their faces. Haha. Jk.

See how much I've grown.

Just a thought in my mind. Im going to start learning how to play all those xbox games that my bro has after o's. Afterall, it's better for two to use one than one to use one. Perhaps we can play marvel alliance together. WAH! I cant wait for O's to be over.

So many times I wonder, how did I get even get here. This exam period has been kinda tough. Compared to the previous fews. I still remember that blog post not long ago when I tried to throw +ve things to my brains and something happen just right after that. I regretted posting it cause' I felt that I wasnt strong enough to live up to it. But well, here I am, last paper tml, still alive but pretty tired physically. Mentally Im telling myself +ve things because I trust in Him. Mum said if I think positively, I will have the hope. I think it's true. My brain affects me pretty much.

Tml will definitely be a better day. (:

I stumbled into this anoymous blog and it had some really nice phrases.

Anoymous said:
So live once but live like the rainbow bearing life force, the seedbearing flower...
Always live and do work with passion, coz passion makes the difference between living and surviving!

Sounds nice. Anyway, just 1 more paper, which is physics prac. And I'd be free. To sleep, to eat, to play. For a while. And Choir practice going to resume. I feel like going, to sit in or smth, but what if Mr Liew chases me out. Haha. Cher got me a packet of dark choco! =DDDDDDD One simple reason why I love dark choco: It's bitter and not sweet. Haha. Gay.

Just that so many things happened and I'm glad You're by my side. I'm back and not running away anymore.

blessed

Just two more papers and you can knock out. (: I think I must have been crazy. Because I studied three topics out of the nine history chapters and they all came out for exam. God is great. I couldnt have been more calm when I was studying. I only remember knocking out at 8+pm, waking up at 4 and I hadnt really watched tv for 2hr straight since the last 6 days. The funeral's over, and you'd stay in my mind. I'll just take it out to think about once in a while and trash it back behind my mind. (:

I thank Joshua for telling me this verse.
1 Thess 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
And Joe said he looked forward to seeing the cheerful me. Yup I will. (:

I feel that a cyclone has just passed me and the edge of the rear vortex is passing me soon. It doesnt matter what people or circumstances do to me, it matters if I've done my best, with all my heart. Thanks to all once again.

Cant wait for bbq with my budbuds! =D

And I cant stop singing Blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

I know I sounded pretty negative but. I think I've thought through.
God, I want to continue placing trust in You. In fact, more and more each day.
Im going to study with the belief that I will do well, and be a sponge.

These five days are going to pass. In a flash. Flash.

I just dont understand why.
Why must it happen at this time.
Why must I have such relatives.
Why must you be so stubborn.
Why does everyone thinks that they're right all the time.

To be very honest, Im still angry that this has affected my physics and amaths.
Im tired of wallowing in self-pity. I dont enjoy any bit of it.

And perhaps that's how I can grow. Being in a bad situation makes me grow.
I need to face it. I've gotta get myself out of this.

Why has exams become something that I've never imagined before. I feel like.. everything is lost. So much so that I no longer rush but study with a superc calm mind. Is that bad or good? I dont really know how I would react to results. Forget what I said earlier. I dont know myself well, at all. But I told myself that this exam will be exposing my weaknesses in certain subjects. So well, it's gonna be ugly. Bear w it. It's gonna pay off. (:
Stay optimistic. 5 more papers to go.

You see the depths of my heart.

I cant wait to start studying w/o stress.

When things get so sudden that I feel like I've just gotten a slap on my face.

I've been trying to get out of the studying disorder and the urgency of exams pulled me out. But.. after today, I realised that how much stronger God wanted me to be. There was just no time and I kinda regret mugging all the way. In the end I forgot most of the stuff. But well, God gave me an assurance when I was flipping thr this calendar that told me something like this. "You dont have to act like you're strong, just be still and know that He's God. He'd pull you thr." Perhaps I wasnt still enough, I was just feigning ignorance of whatever I was going thr. And I told Juv that I think I put in effort. But now thinking back, if I had really been conscientious and revised well, even if my house's wall fall apart I'd still be able to do well. So okay, I did my best at this short period of time.
To Mr Lee: (i know he wont see this but..) Thanks for killing me for physics exam. It's motivating me to do better.

Thanks to many who have sent their regards. (:

purpose

All the while, I have been studying for exams in a very risky manner. Which is, the day before then study. And chiong all the way. Dont sleep much, try to throw tv away, give myself time to rest for a while. I cannot believe that I will be doing this for O's. Never. In fact, I'd never let it happen. And actually I've pulled thr all exams well. What about this one. I really dont know. But I know that as long as I get myself thr this hurdle, I cant find more things to complain. Cause, this is enough. And I seriously think that I wont even cry if I get bad results. And if I get good ones, I know it's His grace and mercy. For all these, I praise the Lord.
Why did I say all these. Because few hours ago, I just felt like dropping everything down and just enjoy watching my tv, sleep all I want. I asked Him, "What's the purpose of all this?" He said, "I created them. The trees that you're reading about, the weather, even the people as well, everything."
I find purpose in You.

Happy day today! =D Sam faces sent to me an sms yesterday: Happy birthday! Haha. He must have felt so paiseh. It's 5th June not 6th May. Just a hint to everyone! =D
Anyway, Social studies paper has been knocked down. =D The sad thing was that Chapt4 wasnt even part of MYE syllabus. Mama. I studied that until I could faint alright. There were 12 strategies all together. )= It's okay. I still have to study that for O's. Emaths.. I seriously suck at index stuff. 10^-3 etc. Can faint looking at it. But well, I think I did pretty okay. Will buck up for paper 2. (: And tml is chem practical. I hope the clip thing for the burette will co-operate w me. It likes to leak or splash. I cant wait for all the sciences to be over.. or rather, I cant wait for exams to be over! =D

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. (2 Tim 1:7)

He has made me glad.

Some people can get really worked up when I say words like "Im tired". At first I felt pretty offended cause' "That's how I feel what!". But after pastor addressed on idle words, I realised that it's actually a blessing to be 'scolded' for saying stuffs that wont benefit me.
I'm really glad to be able to share stuffs with cell mates. Despite my paiseh-ness today. Haha. They're like a bunch of people whom you can talk to about anything.

You cant receive what you cant keep. So I shall start closing up the holes!

To the other half of happy mugging: Where have you been. Pls come back.

And I truly agree that You're my very present help in time of need.

I think Im going to owe more presents. I must go shopping after exams. =D

Pretty disappointed with my Eng paper 1. I dont know why. But everytime I do really weirdly for my compo. I started off with situational like the prev time, and I will never do that again. Note never. Never. Actually I did it first because I knew I'd get carried away for compo if I did it first. But in the end, I spent 1hr on situational. I can really faint. So for my compo, I wasted four papers stubbornly trying to describe a stupid scene. But I gave up and started with my forte, a lame and boring dialogue. I was like rushing so I didnt care about how I wrote. I wrote words like 'scum' and 'damned'. Actually I dont know if it's allowed. Haha. And I could have ended off with a very nicely hanging sentence but guess what. "Time's up!" But I really have to thank God because I know without Him being the reason for my perseverance, I would have literally cried on the spot and cared for nothing more. Haha. Paper two was good. Good.

All I can say is I did what I could. (:

We can do it.

Forever God is faithful, forever God is strong, forever God is with us.
Forever.
----------------------------------

I did some chem revision, then headed off to visit Grandma. She looks emaciated. I cried. Of course I cried. She looked so frail, and she was fighting for breath somehow. And for the first time she said she believe in Jesus. She said "Amen." I know I wasnt sure if she meant it. But I have faith that God will work in her heart.

Chinese paper today. The hall was.. intimdating. But in the end, I did the paper w such bliss. Nothing bothered me except for a huge fly which landed on my table, stared at me, I stared at it, then I kick the table. Haha. I slept for 2 hours today and I feel guilty. But I told myself, God's blessing cause He doesnt want me to push it too hard. Dad was like "Tml no school still want to study. Sleep for 1/2 hour only? Sleep more lar." I can link this with Charis' case study. Haha. And to be honest, I have not revised anything yet. Im starting to wonder what I've done yesterday. But well, take it easy! (:

Thank You that You've found me.

Nope, Im not lying. Im suffering from happy mugging now. From 10am to now, excluding lunch break. So I thought I could take a small teeny weeny rest to proclaim my achievement here. Haha. =D I realised that as I stop thinking so much, and confine my thoughts to God, me and books, it became a bliss to study. Just like old times. (: I hope this will continue. Yup. And I keep forgetting that tml is Chinese papers! Jiayou to myself, to my friends, to anyone who's in the midst of a room and surrounded by papers. (: Some of the staff in sch were actually barbequing yesterday. Horrible fellows, celebrating the start of our torture or smth. Haha.

Praise Him- because His promises becomes true when I put faith in it.